Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
