please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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