I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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