There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
