I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
