It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize