fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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