I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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