I'm so fucking centered right now
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
