Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
