Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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