So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize