I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i wish my penis had a tongue
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize