I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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