to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
