She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
