Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
