My liver just broke up with me...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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