Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
