as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
