I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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