I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
