And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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