fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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