I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
