how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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