There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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