the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
