I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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