I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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