Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize