seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
