if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
