my soul wont recognize me after tonight
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
