I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
