my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
