hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
