You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
