told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
