The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
