Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
did you just send me my own nude
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
