she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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