The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
