Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
