i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
