dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
