FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
