i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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