Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize