The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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