wat bout pragnant strippers??
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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