I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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