I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
