i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
