I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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