Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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